|July 18th, 2011|
"Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold, the circle is round, it has no end, that's how long I want to be your friend."
|Love of God is pure when joy and suffering inspire an equal degree of gratitude. - Simone Weil|
They say time heals. Well, the year marker is almost here and I hurt just the same. Sometimes more I feel. SO much left unsaid, so much life to be lived, funny stories to tell you, deep unmentionable groanings of a mother's heart that only a best friend can bare like you would have with me. There's been joy too. I can't complain. So many things to be thankful for even admidst the hardest, darkest year of our lives. I've gotten pregnant twice - Hope Israel is up there with you! And now this little girl we are about to meet will be here soon! We sold our home finally! You looked at the one we bought online a year and a half ago and said, " It looks like you built it Jess." You were right. - Minus my two story and a big ol' front porch of course. :) But don't you fret, I'll make it work just fine and find you a big ol' spot to hang somewhere right proud for all to see. I just know how you loved being the center of attention. HA! :) ( for those of you who did not know my Robin - this is NOT her at all. ) Oh, but a best friend loves to torture...
I can still hear you whisper, "Don't go." and "Where's Moko?" as you patted the bed looking for him, making almost no sense one minute and then clearly getting everything we said the next with your deep smile and sparkle in your eyes as you remembered with us the silly mundane memories that seem like yesterday and a million miles ago all the same. I want to eat Mexican and Puppy Chow more than ever. Can you imagine that? HA!
Laying on that bed with you the last day on this side of eternity, I experienced Jesus in a way I will never forget. Tears rolling down our cheeks singing great hymns like "Great is Thy Faithfulness" and old camp songs like the friends song we sang... I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt He was there too. All rolled up in a ball leaning into you to be as close as possible, but careful not to touch for fear of causing you more pain as you earthly body wasted away before our very eyes and you, my Robin, on your journey into heaven's gate just 5 days later.
I've wished you back many times for a selfish millisecond and then scolded myself severely because as Paul said, "To live is Christ, but to die is gain." You are on the better side of life my sweet Becca Joy, my Robin. I cannot wish you back. You would not choose to come - if even for a millisecond.
So today, even though the tears will not stop, I will not wish you back, but bask in all God has done for others, including myself, through your life, your servant's heart, your pain and suffering, and your eventual death and cross over into glory and perfection into Jesus's precious healing arms.
" After you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ will Himself restore,confirm, strengthen, and replenish you." ~ 1 Peter 5:10